Wordless Wednesday

In keeping with the theme of either posting a photo or video each Wednesday........

May 31, 2009

May 31st should be a happy day in my family. It is my brother's birthday, and Eric's dad's birthday. For everyone in my family, it is a happy day. But not for me. It's more of a bittersweet day for me. And the sad thing is, no one probably even remembers why. I do, and Eric does. But I'm not sure about anyone else. This year, 2009, my child would be 3.

In September of 2005, Eric and I found ourselves (well, myself actually) pregnant. It was unplanned and unexpected, yet not unwelcome. Once we got over the shock, we were happy. We were excited and already falling in love with our little "peanut". Somehow we came upon that nickname, because that was exactly what the ultrasound photo looked like. I was surprised how quickly Eric turned into "daddy to be" mode. I was impressed. There were still 3 months before I was due to finish grad school. It wasn't too big of a deal in that regard; manageable. The pregnancy was pretty normal. I got to see the heartbeat about 6-7 weeks. That was an amazing moment. I didn't feel or look pregnant, yet there was my child on that screen. A heartbeat. A life. My child. That moment changed everything. I went to the waiting room, and just hugged Eric and cried. I was so happy everything was okay. I was so happy to see my sweet baby's heart beating. We were due May 31st.

Everything changed on November 15th, 2005. I had an appointment for a triplescreen, which included some bloodwork and an ultrasound. We had not realized at our first appointment that it was normal for the dad to come back with the mom. But at this second appointment Eric was with me and went back for all the U/S, etc. We were so super pumped. Eric even brought his dictaphone (voice/sound recorder) to record the heartbeat. The technician started scanning and we were both just mesmerized by the screen. I remember that there were little teeny arms. Then she asked, "Have you been having any complications like bleeding or cramping?". That question changed everything. I told her that I did early on, but it had been 6 weeks since that. She continued to scan, with a concerned look on her face. She then spoke the words that changed my life. "I'm sorry to tell you, but there is no longer a heartbeat. Your child has died". All I remember is reaching for Eric's hand, and my eyes filling with tears. I remember that she told me it was not my fault, that I couldn't have done anything to prevent it. I don't really remember much else from that room, except climbing off that table and into Eric's arms. And sobbing, and sobbing.

They moved us to another room to talk with the doctor, and I continued to just bawl my eyes out. I finally pulled it together, only to lose it again when the OB came in. She presented us with two options: wait, and let nature take its course; or have a D&E. That stands for dilation and evacuation. In short, it is a quick outpatient surgery which essentially cleans out your uterus. According to the ultrasound measurements, they thought our baby had died about two weeks earlier. We figured that since nature hadn't done it's job yet, we weren't going to continue waiting. We scheduled surgery for the 18th.

I will say that there are some perks to being in the anesthesia field. Mainly, I got to choose people I really trusted and respected to take care of me. I was really worried I'd say some inappropriate things after they drugged me up, that could get me in trouble as a student. Thank you again to Mary, and Jamie and Gene for taking such good care of me.

November is no longer quite as hard for me. But May is. Especially the 31st. I still call my brother and FIL to wish them Happy Birthday, and I mean it. But what I really want is to be singing Happy Birthday to my child. That's what would truly make me happy. The hardest day was 5-31-06, the day he was due. ( I say he because I always felt in my heart it was a boy. We never knew.) 2007 and 2008 weren't as bad. But 2009 is turning out to be really hard for me. I think it's because now I really know and understand the love a parent has for a child after holding them in their arms. Loving Drake reminds me of my first child that I don't get to hold in my arms. It is sometimes beyond comprehension how much I love Drake. But, I'm sure you other parents out there understand. Missing my peanut doesn't take away from my love for Drake. If anything, it makes me love and appreciate him even more.

I was the first out of my friends to have a miscarriage. It is a heartbreak that no one can explain. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. There are appropriate and inappropriate things to say. I suggest that if you ever find yourself in a position to give kind words or advice to a miscarriage survivor, choose them wisely. They will leave a lasting imprint.

The way people treated Eric and myself during our pregnancy and loss varied greatly. I won't get into that here. But there are some people I want to specifically name and thank. Even if they never read this, I want to thank them. This post is for me and my healing, not really for anyone else's entertainment. My friends Paula and Katie were great. They held me, cried with me, and took me shopping at Target to distract me. There were two long and miserable days in between that god awful ultrasound, and my D&E. There were two CRNA's that were particularly kind. Dana cried with me when I told her I'd miscarried. Debbie let me go home early when I never really managed to quit crying during clinical. My friends Adriann and Chasity sent me flowers. Eric's parents sent us flowers as well. Eric's mom was wonderfully supportive with kind words. We went to NY for Thanksgiving a week after my surgery, and his Aunt Leslie said the kindest words to me. I still remember vividly how sweet she was. It was so nice for her to acknowledge what I was going through.

I still can't talk about my loss without crying. Heck, I can't really talk about miscarriage in general without crying. It is a true loss. I saw my child on that screen, with his heart beating. He was alive. He was mine. And he died. He would be three next weekend. I miss him.

Wordless Wednesday

Laughing out loud........

My first Mothers Day!

I was reading this morning about a special Mother's day offer at the local Daniel Stowe Botanical Gardens. Despite Eric and I both living in Charlotte since 2002/2003, neither of us had ever been there. It's about 30 minutes away in a town called Belmont. Today they were letting mothers in free, plus doing free 15 minute chair massages. And the first 25o mommies there got a free potted plant. After I read about it this morning, I decided that would be a fun thing to do. And plus, we have a pop up sun shade we wanted to try with Drake. We made some sandwiches (well I made some sandwiches), and off we went. It was a great day!

There was quite the line to get in.

Hanging out in line with the Drakester. That is a Moby wrap I have him in. I forgot a hat for him, but the Moby material is UV protectant, so I used it to cover his little head. He loves being cozied up against me in the Moby.
Chilling after eating our picnic lunch
He refused to look at the camera!
Me and my sweet boy. I love being his mommy.

We had a great time at the garden.

The chubba wubba took a little bit of a nap.
Look at that proud poppa!

Cheesin it up with Eric
A bush of some sort, shaped like a teddy bear.
The orchid conservatory
Wall of orchids
Pretty orchids

Sure had been awhile!

Working, and life in general, have completely interfered with my ability to blog. I apologize for keeping you all hanging about the "big news". But, as always, my husband's life plan has changed, therefore changing our family's plan yet again. So, there is no big news. For now. I can't speak for tomorrow. Eric doesn't know what his plan is tonight, and I'm gonna quit making plans based on his plans for next week, month, or year. We've been busy around here, just trying to figure out what our plans are in this crazy life. It keeps it interesting:-)

Drake was four months old on the 5th, and I just can't figure out where the time went. His well visit with Dr. Dorsey is on Monday, and we are excited to see how much he weighs. He laughs and smiles all the time now, and it is so adorable. He's very ticklish, especially under his neck and arms. I'm such a mean mommy- I tickle him all the time! I love to hear him laugh and giggle. He's such a happy baby. Although, he's started teething, so that isn't making him very happy. My neighbor introduced me to Hylands teething tablets, and they work wonders. Then, I was reading the May/June edition of Mothering magazine and discovered Hylands teething gel. Those two combined, and it brings back the sweet smile I know Drake is capable of. And for those of you who read this blog and lean toward the AP/NFL way, you should totally try Mothering magazine. It's a little slice of heaven for me, when it comes every other month. Thanks mom for the subscription!

Tomorrow is Mother's day, my very first. I sometimes can't believe I am actually someone's mother. Or that I am responsible for someone else. It never ceases to amaze me just how much I love Drake. Or that I don't know how I ever lived my life without him in it. Eric's been asking me what I want. I've told him a few different things, and this is my final wish list:

A trip to the Bag Lady. What is that you ask? The Bag Lady is a store in the Dilworth area that is basically a gift shop for women, and particularly granola/hippy women. A book by Ricki Lake and Abby Epstein has come out about 'creating your best birth', and I want a copy! These two women are advocates of home birth in particular, but are more so advocates of having the birth you want. Today is a special day, because the book is going on sale at the Bag Lady, and 10% of their profits today (from the whole store, not just the book) are going to the new Charlotte birth center.

So, now I suppose you are wondering about the new Charlotte birth center. Well, this is a fabulous thing that I am VERY excited about. The birth center is in Fort Mill SC, which is basically a Charlotte suburb. It is due to open in September approximately. It will be a staff of CPM's, and they are looking for a CNM to do VBACs. There is a strong lobby in NC to legalize CPM's, but until that happens this birth center is an answer to prayers. My birth with Drake was great, but it is simply knowing there is a matter of choice now. Unfortunately the OBs in this state are a bunch of money and power hungry folks that are trying to squash another part of their competition. I'm all about women having choices. Heck, I'm all about men having choices too. I have a problem being told what to do, is that obvious yet? I don't even know that I'd choose to have my next child at the birth center, but its about time we have one in a city this large. All the midwives from the birth center will be at the Bag Lady tonight, so that's just another piece of the excitement. I'm excited to meet them and support them.

Eric is on a walk with Drake right now, giving me the chance to blog. And I'm gonna read a book later. I love Mother's day weekend! This is the best!